24.05.2012 18 °C
How do we ever know when something is right? A wise 17 year old said “I couldn’t make a decision because both choices were wrong for me." A clever young girl, who possibly has it right. If both choices are wrong, of course we can not make a decision, or if both decisions are right then there is no regret to be made. Does regret exist? Or is it something that we create in our minds? And can we ever go back on a decision that we have made? We are taught as children that all things are either right or wrong but when it comes to making decisions is there a right or a wrong? It is getting closer to the time in which I need to decide what I will do for the following year.
I am no closer to reaching a decision. I have searched high, low and with-in to find the right answer. Perhaps both choices are right, or perhaps neither is the right choice. I know that I want to publish my book, go back to university in a master program and find a job where I am stable and happy. I know that I want to travel but may not want to live in those places for years; I can finally say that stability sounds nice. I don’t necessarily feel the same excitement that I felt when thinking of unknown places. Of course it will never go away, the feeling of adrenalin running wild through my body, standing still to face the great unknown, but I think I am closer to the closing where stability and material objects are appealing. However, I can not help having a sad and contrary feeling, thinking to myself “is that all?” And “Do I want to see more?” Along the course of healing from a past love and almost marriage, I find myself in love again with a different man. One that when I think of leaving him my heartbreaks, and tears flow from my eyes. It is unlike any other relationship of my past, this is the most healthy, loving and respectful relationship I have ever known. Does that come often? He ticks many boxes on my long list of strengths and abilities. But is that enough? How do we know when Mr. Right Now becomes Mr. Right? A friend once told me that it is okay to question him and our relationship; it is in my nature to question everything real and intangible. I stand in the supermarket with two loafs of bread because I can not decide on one, which one is right for me this week, which one will last longer, be better for my health,versatility, can I make use of it’s staleness and change it into something new,something better, say, bread crumbs. As I question my whole grain baguette, of course I am going to question my life partner. Is he my whole grain or just another run of the mill wonder bread? How do we know what is right for us? I do think that he is right, in many ways; I know that I would be fully happy with him, for years and years to come but is that enough? Does happiness overcome other battles, such as a career. I would have to give up living near my family, and having a career because in the South of Italy while economy is crying out is not the best plan, can I leave my country forever? I would have to work, we would have to work, to fight to share a common land. Is love worth the battle?